Friday is Christmas Eve. Normally, this time of year is seriously dread-filled for me. Everywhere I look, I see penguins (mom’s favorite animal), snow globes (something she collected) and Christmas lights (she loved going about to see everyone’s house).
I hear carols in the air, which reminds me of her singing, which was truly a thing of beauty. I see her standing at the lectern at midnight mass, leading the congregation in song.
This year is the eighth without her, the ninth Christmas since she’s been gone. By all rights I should be sad and longing for her.
The weird thing is, I’m not really missing her all that much. Or, at least, I’m not missing her in the same way as has been my wont.
I’m not spending too much time weeping, as I have in year’s past, or indulging in the whiny misery of “I Miss My Mom.”
It’s not that I don’t miss her, because I do. But this year, a dull ache has replaced the stabbing hurt that I’ve nearly always felt before.
And I feel guilty about it, but I’m not feeling *too* guilty about it. So I’m feeling guilty about that. It’s a vicious cycle.
So I’m actually feeling pretty good about Christmas this year. Getting to see my parents and Herself’s. This whole being married thing is making things a bit more complicated, but we’re working it out. There’ll be food and drink and presents and a lovely time had by all.
I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m just going to enjoy it.
Merry Christmas, yule sona, Festive Non-Denominational Winter Gathering, Happy Saturnalia, etc.
I'm thinking that this is a sign of healing. You're always going to miss her, even though you know that she's always with you and is a part of you. (Believe me, I see it in spades!)
ReplyDeleteDon't let the Guilt Monster grab hold of you though. She wouldn't have wanted that at all.
Remember her, smile, tell silly stories about her, sniffle and cry (a bit) but mostly, enjoy the Holiday with family and friends. That's what she would want the most.
I love you Sweetie!
Cheryl
Thanks, mama. I think that it is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about the guilt though, she was a very good Catholic. She was all over the guilt. ;-)
As long as I can think about her in a positive way, I'll be able to do exactly what she would have wanted: experience the joy and magic of the season.
Love,
Jess
Love you!
ReplyDelete~Molly
Love you too, sweetie!
ReplyDeleteJess
Something I did when I first lost my mom when Christmas rolled around (and her birthday, for that matter), was shop for her like I would anyone else. I wouldn't buy it, but I'd find her a gift. It was kind of better than shopping for other people, in a way, because I had no budget. I could get anything and everything I wanted to get her. It helped me. It may not work for everyone, but there you go.
ReplyDelete-J9
That's pretty cool, sweetie. For a couple of years, I actually bought her things for Christmas. I'd see something and have it in the car or all the way home before I remembered she wasn't around to give it to. I still look for stuff for her, but I remember now, which makes it easier than that sudden gut-wrench of "She's not here."
ReplyDelete