Crowded

I pretty much never leave the house anymore. My car's been out of service for a while, but I haven't minded too much, simply because of all the really scary stuff outside my door.

People, for instance.

I don't know that I could classify what I'm feeling as agoraphobia, because I'm not afraid of being outside, per se. I prefer to call it "hermitting" or "nesting." Call it what you want.

Mostly, I just don't have the energy to deal with the outside world.

At home, I can sit in MY space, eat MY food, listen to MY music, hook MY projects.

I'm still connected to the world via the net, and I still occasionally leave the house to go be with the world.

But it's really too much effort. All of it. I feel...crowded. By everyone.

There are people in the world. Truly stupid people. Truly hateful people. Sarah Palin. Glenn Beck. Bill O'Reilly. Not that I come across these people in my corner of Ohio, but the Palinites, the Beckians, and the O'Reillese are there. I live in a conservative place while holding extremely liberal views. This sometimes gives me a headache.

There are people in the world. Rude people. Inconsiderate people. Intolerant people. Either in action or in deed, they make the world a little bit worse for the rest of us.

Sure, I know that for every pontificating dudebag on the planet, there's at least one decent plodder who doesn't make waves. And for every hundred million or so of those, there's someone I care about personally.

Doesn't mean that I want or am even able to deal with the arseholes to get to the people I love.

So, fair warning. I'm not coming out unless it's something 1) I can't avoid doing, or 2) I really, really want to do.

It's not that I don't love you anymore. It's not that I don't want to see you. But seeing you means that I have to see people I don't want to see, and that is physically causing me pain at the moment.

And if your suggestion to me is that I have people over to socialize without having to go out into the world, my answer is no. I have to have a space that is all mine. I found the one person I am able to successfully share my space with, and I (in a totally non-legally binding sense) married her.

So if I feel up to it/can't get out of it/need to do it, you'll see me around. Otherwise, I'll be back to you later.